The Further Adventures of Kisuke Urahara:
by Yakaji
Summary: Peerless Scientest, Unrivaled Inventor, Rock Star, Pirate King, Genius Shinigami and Captain Extraordinare. Rated T for language and suggestive themes.
1. Mayuri's Birthday

A/N: I don't own Bleach.

* * *

Kisuke Urahara lounged back in his leather desk-chair, tucking his hands behind his head. His bare feet were propped on the immense oak slab that formed the top of his desk. The white captain's cloak he often wore, whenever he couldn't avoid it anyway, was draped over the back of the chair. It was long, and so a good half meter at the bottom lay spread around the chair's wheeled feet, gathering wrinkles and dust. 

Windows around the office let in the dazzling sunlight of a beautiful spring morning. There were cherry blossoms blooming in the garden outside. Kisuke hung his head over the back of the chair to catch a view of them. They were upside down. That wouldn't do. Someone would have to fix that.

The door to the office banged open, and Kisuke's 3rd Seat stormed in. Kurotsuchi Mayuri looked ready to begin a tirade, but then again Kurotsuchi was always ready to begin a tirade. Kurotsuchi was too uptight.

Kisuke didn't want to suffer through another one of Kurotsuchi's inane rants, so he cut the man off before he could begin. "Hey, Mayuri-chan, be a dear and get me a cup of coffee, will ya?"

Kurotsuchi spluttered ineffectually for a minute before turning and stomping out of the office. He slammed the door on his way out. Kisuke clucked in exasperation. The man really needed to lighten up.

Hey! There was an idea! Maybe Kisuke could get him a birthday present or something. Lord only knew when the man's birthday was. But what did it matter? Everyone liked birthday presents. It wasn't Kisuke's fault if he couldn't remember dates very well. Anyway, all he had planned for today were more reports, and Kisuke hated reports. And it was such a beautiful spring day. No sane person could waste a day like this cooped up writing reports.

Kisuke raised his foot and brought the heel down on a large green button at the corner of the desk. An intercom clicked on, and a soft voice came through. "What's up, Kisuke?"

Good! Yoruichi was in her office too! She wouldn't want to stay there on a day like this, either!

"Mayuri's a bitch. I want to get him a birthday present."

"Oh really?" The voice on the other end of the intercom sounded intrigued. "When's his birthday?"

Kisuke sighed. Yoruichi asked such stupid questions sometimes. "Who the hell knows? Does it matter? It's a birthday present, Yoruichi! Everybody likes birthday presents!"

"Fine. So why are you calling me?"

Kisuke resisted the overpowering urge to sigh. That woman! "Look outside, Yoruichi! It's a beautiful day. What are you doing cooped up in your office? Let's go have some FUN!"

"Oh, is THAT what this is about? Well, sure, I'll come. Can I bring Soi Fong?"

"Yeah, whatever. I'll meet you at the usual place." Kisuke was already out of his chair, throwing on that stupid captain's cloak. Why he had to wear the thing, he'd never understand. It was just so plain and boring. Why couldn't it have stripes or something? Green stripes? Those would be nice.

Slipping open a large glass-paned door, Kisuke slipped out into the 12th Division garden. The cherry blossom trees were right-side up, now. Darn it. That didn't make any sense. He ignored the fickle trees and leapt onto the wall that separated his division's compound from the compound belonging to Ukitake's. Using _shunpo_, Kisuke hurried to the 4th Division treatment facility, the prearranged meeting place. He hoped to get there before Yoruichi. He always enjoyed beating her, at pretty much anything.

Sadly, she was already there when he arrived. She and that little puppy dog bodyguard of hers. Soi Fong needed to lighten up, too. Maybe Yoruichi would get a birthday present for her as well.

"Why do we always meet at the 4th Division headquarters, Kisuke?"

Kisuke rolled his eyes. "Stop asking such stupid questions, Yoruichi. Now, what do you think Mayuri would like? Something to make him less uptight."

Yoruichi shrugged, bored. "I don't know. How about we get him a sex toy?"

Soi Fong blushed silently beside her commander.

Kisuke took a deep, calming breath. "Is that your answer for EVERYTHING, Yoruichi? No. I am NOT buying Mayuri a sex toy. That's just… wrong. No. How about a ham sandwich?"

Soi Fong looked very confused.

"A ham sandwich is not a birthday present, Kisuke," Yoruichi explained patiently.

Kisuke stopped, considering this for a while. Finally, he nodded his head. "Okay, you're right. It's not. Soi Fong, do you have any ideas?"

Soi Fong stared at Kisuke vacantly.

"Soi Fong never has any ideas. You know that, Kisuke. Soi Fong is just here to look pretty for me. Isn't that right, Soi Fong?"

Soi Fong stared at Yoruichi vacantly.

"Yeah, whatever. But c'mon, Yoruichi, there has to be SOMETHING we can get him! How about… How about… A pet! We could get him a little puppy or something!"

Yoruichi kicked Kisuke in the shin. "Mayuri EATS puppies, Kisuke. You are not giving him a puppy."

Kisuke scratched his stubbly chin. "Does he really? Why would he do that? Puppies aren't for eating. Ham sandwitches are for eating. But yeah, either way, food isn't a birthday present. Do you like puppies, Soi Fong?"

Soi Fong screamed in horror.

Yoruichi petted her head reassuringly. "No, honey. He meant do you like puppies as pets. But… do you? We could get you a puppy if you wanted, precious. Would you like that?"

Soi Fong stared at Yoruichi vacantly.

Yoruichi clicked her tongue in irritation and turned her attention back to her oldest friend. "Okay, Kisuke. Pretend you're Mayuri. What do YOU think you'd want for your birthday?"

"It's not FOR his birthday, Yoruichi. Nobody even knows when that is. It's just a birthday PRESENT. There's a difference." The woman was so dense sometimes.

"You didn't answer my question, Kisuke."

"Oh. Yeah. Well, if I was Mayuri and I wanted a birthday PRESENT," Kisuke emphasized, "I'd want… an experiment! But wait. His experiments are why he's so uptight anyway. I can't give him an experiment. It'd just make him worse."

"Not if it's a FUN experiment," Yoruichi corrected with a glint of mischief in her eyes.

"Oh. Ohhh….. Oh! I get it! Thanks, Yoruichi! You never let me down!" Without another word, Kisuke vanished back the way he had come, leaving the two women alone.

"Oh Good Lord, what did he think of this time?" Yoruichi's voice held a note of exasperation. She looked down at Soi Fong, standing next to her, and smiled. "But you know, Kisuke was right. It IS a beautiful day. There's no reason for us to waste it on paperwork. There are so many OTHER things we could be doing right now. So many FUN things." Yoruichi bent her head to wisper in the other woman's ear.

Soi Fong screamed in horror.

* * *

Mayuri stared at the brightly-wrapped box for a full ten minutes before finding the courage to open it. The large, garish tag said that it came from Urahara. That alone was enough to inspire fear in any sane man. Mayuri knew he wasn't sane, but that didn't mean he wasn't still afraid. 

Finally, he stepped forward. He took up a scalpel from a nearby tray and made precise, surgical incisions to allow him to remove the wrapping paper without disturbing whatever might be inside. No reason to take chances.

Under the paper, Mayuri found a cubic box, about thirty centimeters to a side. A note was taped to the top of the box. Under the wrapping paper. How had Urahara been sure Mayuri wouldn't simply rip the wrapping paper off, taking the note with it? Or did he simply not care?

Mayuri bent to read the note, scrawled in a nearly illegible hand. Urahara was sloppy in everything he did. How had the other captains chosen him above Mayuri? It was madness!

"Dear Mayuri," the note read, "I have bought a birthday present for you. Hope you enjoy it. It's an 'experiment'. Actually, it's a whole number of experiments. I'm sure it can keep you amused for days! Maybe weeks! I can hardly think of all the things I could do with something like this. I wish I had one for myself. I hope you enjoy it!" A scrawled signature at the bottom might have said, "Kisuke Urahara". Perhaps.

Mayuri found himself suddenly expectant. Could Urahara actually have sent him something worthwhile? Urahara had so many inventions that Mayuri would love to get his hands on. The man was mad, that much was sure, and Mayuri was fairly certain he must be an idiot as well. But he had a gift for creating the most surprising objects. If he had given one of those to Mayuri…. Mayuri was sure he could do so much more with those trinkets than even Urahara himself. He was anxious for the chance to prove it. With a smile, he pulled open the lid of the box and stared inside.

It was a ham sandwich.

"URAHARA, YOU BASTARD!"


	2. Sheep

"Baaa-aaah! Baaa-aaah!"

Kisuke grumbled under his breath. Sheep. Sheep!

They were milling together in a flock, about forty of them. Each one had a full coat of pristine white wool. They were beautiful; the best Seireitei had to offer. And Kisuke couldn't deny that he needed sheep. But two worries still troubled him.

First, Kisuke hated sheep.

Second, these were not his sheep.

Oh, that second fact would hardly trouble him most days. But these sheep, these very special sheep, happened to belong to Captain-General Shigekuni Yamamoto-Genryuusai, or as Kisuke's friend Shunsui liked to call him, Yama-jii. But Yama-jii had sheep, and Kisuke needed sheep.

Kisuke was a captain, sure, but Yama-jii was still a dangerous man to rob. He could do things to Kisuke. Like that one time, with the snakes and the peanut butter... Kisuke shuddered at the memory. Yes, Yama-jii was a very dangerous man. But he had sheep. So Kisuke was just going to have to make sure he wasn't caught.

Kisuke whistled shrilly, and his lieutenant faded into existence before him. Kisuke stared down at the little lieutenant and stuck out his tongue. The twelfth division lieutenant ignored him. "What are your orders, sir?"

Kisuke plopped onto the ground, probably getting grass stains all over his white captain's cloak. GOOD. It could do with a bit more green. He cupped his chin in his hand and stared at the lieutenant. "I need a distraction, (_**NAME CENSORED**)_."

His lieutenant pulled out a little notebook and began to scribble notes. "Large or small, sir? Who do you want to distract? How long? Where do you want their attention?"

Kisuke rattled off a series of specifications, and when he was finished, the lieutenant faded out of existence again. Kisuke sighed to himself. Too uptight. But the best lieutenant I've found, really. The last five didn't even last two weeks. I should remember to send a thank-you card.

Kisuke plucked a dandelion from the ground beside him and began twirling it between his fingers. He stared at the sheep, formulating a plan.

A loud explosion from somewhere far behind him, followed by a tremor in the earth and the clanging peal of alarm bells announced that the diversion had begun. Kisuke was curious what his lieutenant had cooked up, but didn't have time to investigate. As long as it kept attention away from Yama-jii's sheep.

Kisuke stood and walked forward toward the sheep. Now, he needed to transport them, and he needed to make sure they went unnoticed. The easiest way to do that... Ah! Kisuke snapped his fingers and smiled.

Reaching into his pocket, Kisuke pulled out a small candy dispenser. He masked his reiatsu and walked toward the flock of sheep. When he reached the first one, he popped a small sphere out of the dispenser and shoved it into the sheep's mouth.

"Oi! What the heck are you doin', Kisuke? And... What the... I'm a SHEEP?" The mod soul seemed taken aback, and slowly the sheep's eyes tightened in anger. "You put me in a SHEEP. Do you know what this thing has probably had in its mouth, Kisuke? This is just gross. I hate you."

Kisuke rolled his eyes. First try, he had to get one of the COMPLAINERS. Mod souls were no fun at all. Always so uptight, just because they didn't have bodies. At least it hadn't been one of the angry ones.

Kisuke grabbed the sheep's chin and tilted its face up so he could stare it in the eyes. "You know what, if you don't like it, I've got a whole load of you guys here who'd love to get their hands on a body, any body. I can take you out and put one of them in. No trouble at all."

The sheep danced back a couple paces, bumping into a few of the other members of the flock who were staring, mystified, at the scene in front of them. "No, really, Kisuke..." The sheep gave a braying laugh. "No, it's fine. It's just, I'm a sheep... you know... I was just surprised is all."

"Okay, then." Kisuke nodded, folding his arms in front of his chest. "Now, I want you to get to Yoruichi's office as fast as you can. Don't get caught, don't let anyone see you. And remember, if you do, you're a SHEEP, damn it! No talking! If Yama-jii finds out about this, he'll have my head. And you can bet he won't be any nicer to you. You know how much he hates mod souls."

The sheep sketched a small bow, folding its forelegs. "Okay, Kisuke. Okay. No problems. But what am I supposed to do when I get to Yoru..."

"She'll let you know when you get there. Now just GO. You know I hate sheep." Kisuke turned to the next member of the flock, which retreated a couple steps in panic before Kisuke was able to shove the next pill down its throat. By then, the first sheep was already bounding away down the hill, back toward the center of Seireitei.

* * *

Yoruichi smiled and stroked Soi Fong's forehead. Pretty Soi Fong. She turned back to the sheep. "All right, is that all of you?" 

A small voice piped up from the back of the flock. "Yes, ma'am. Kisuke said I was the last, and I didn't see anyone else around when I left. Baaah." Some of the mod souls weren't strong enough to completely master their forms.

Soi Fong squeaked in terror at the talking sheep. She still wasn't used to it, even though Yoruichi had been conversing with the flock for nearly a half hour.

Yoruichi pulled the bed covers up to the girl's neck, tucking her in tightly. "All right, sheep! You have your orders. And remember, no more human talk. It scares my little Soi Fong." Another smile for the trembling girl. "And you, Soi Fong, DO go to sleep. This insomnia has got to stop. How are we supposed to have fun if you're always falling asleep on me?" The smile was replaced with a wide, toothy grin. Soi Fong let out a tiny wail, her face turning bright red.

"Now, Soi Fong, I know numbers aren't your strong point. Should I count for you, or do you want to try yourself?"

The first sheep took a running start and vaulted over the bed, 'baaah'ing through the air. A thin scream escaped from the girl's lips and Yoruichi sighed, lying down beside her on the bed. Yoruichi ran her long, dark fingers through Soi Fong's hair, caressing the girl's scalp.

"Okay then. That was one. Two? Two? Damn it sheep, you're too slow!"

Yoruichi's hand tightened in anger, pulling Soi Fong's hair painfully.

Soi Fong began to cry.


	3. Service with a Smile

**Author's Note**: This one has a bit of the strong language. Which is kind of a necessity for ever writing about one of the characters that appears in this chapter.

* * *

"Yeah, but Kisuke... What does it DO?" 

"What do you mean, 'What does it do?' It's a robot, Yoruichi. THAT'S what it does."

Yoruichi sighed, and Kisuke gave her a level look that said she was being dense again. Honestly. What does a robot do? Everyone knows what robots do. Sometimes Yoruichi just didn't seem to have any common sense. Kisuke flipped a switch inside one of the machine's catlike ears, and it rumbled to life.

"HELLO. SIR. MAY. I. TAKE. YOUR. ORDER."

Kisuke responded quickly. "Yeah, I'll have a double chee... Wait. I didn't really program you to say that, did I?"

The machine hopped back and forth on a tripod of stubby metallic bird-feet. "HELLO. SIR. MAY. I. TAKE. YOUR. ORDER." Yoruichi snickered, forcing Kisuke to shoot her another glare.

"Okay, fine. Robot, engage system override Three-Seven-Three-Gamma. State your objectives."

Squid-like arms whipped around in a circle as the robot's torso spun, making a whirring noise. "Why does it keep acting like that, Kisuke?" Yoruichi whispered. Kisuke hushed her, waiting for the robot to reply.

"OBJECTIVE. ONE. PROVIDE. DELICIOUS. FOOD. OBJECTIVE. TWO. MAKE. CUSTOMER. HAPPY. OBJECTIVE. THREE. SERVICE. WITH. A. SMILE."

Kisuke crossed his arms, tapping one foot impatiently against the cobblestone floor. "These are not the objectives I gave it, Yoruichi. Somebody's been... playing... with it."

"OBJECTIVE. FOUR. DO. ROBOTLY. THINGS," the machine crackled belatedly.

"Well, at least SOME of my programming is still in there, I guess. You didn't do anything to it, did you Yoruichi?"

The dark-skinned woman put on a mask of innocence. "Me, Kisuke? You really think I could reprogram a robot? No, I think this must be Mayuri's work."

Kisuke considered it for a moment, then shook his head. "No, this isn't Mayuri's style." As he spoke, Kisuke pulled out a diagnostic scanner and began running it over the machine. "Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he'd love to ruin my inventions, or claim credit for them, or whatever. But... no, this isn't like him. I could almost believe Shunsui did it, except I'm sure he's not capable of it either. And anyway, this robot is protected by a very large reiatsu barrier, another invention of mine. Whoever reprogrammed it would have to break through that barrier, and..." He stopped in mid-sentence, staring at the scanner.

Yoruichi came behind him and stared over his shoulder at the small, blinking readout. "What's up, Kisuke? Did you find something?"

"No, it couldn't be," Kisuke whispered. "Not him. He couldn't do something like this. I'd be surprised if he even knew what a robot was."

"Kisuke? What's up? You know who did it?" Yoruichi snaked a hand around his waist familiarly.

Kisuke ignored her. "Robot, priority override Five Alpha. Replay audio logs from time code 8/15:23:47:00 forward."

The robot's speakers crackled to life again, and a very different voice came out. "Oi! YOU! What'cha standin' around there for, you funky-lookin' little shit? Where's Urahara? I need ta talk to 'im!"

Yoruichi whispered in Kisuke's ear. "Who is that? I don't recognize the voice."

"I'M SORRY, SIR. CAPTAIN URAHARA IS NOT HERE AT PRESENT. MAY I TAKE A MESSAGE FOR HIM, OR HELP YOU IN SOME WAY? YOU CAN WAIT IF YOU'D LIKE, BUT HE MAY NOT BE BACK FOR A NUMBER OF HOURS."

"Did you hear about old Cap'n Watanabe, Yoruichi? He got killed the other day, challenged to a duel by some guy from Rukongai. Not even a real shinigami, and he killed the captain. Not that Watanabe was much of a captain if you ask me, but still."

"What'cha mean he ain't here, freak-face? Where izze?" The robot's voice box mimicked the sound of a sword being drawn from its sheath. "If ya don' tell me by the count of ten, I'm gonna chop you inta little bitty freak pieces."

"Yeah, I heard about it. What was the name of the guy who killed him? Something Zaraki? Kenpoochu Zaraki?"

"I'M SORRY, SIR. I'M CURRENTLY UNAWARE OF THE CAPTAIN'S EXACT WHEREABOUTS. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO WAIT, MAYBE I COULD BE OF SOME SERVICE. IT IS DINNERTIME. IF YOU WOULD LIKE, SIR, I COULD PREPARE SOME FOOD FOR YOU."

"Kenpachi," Kisuke corrected. "And by the rules of the Gotei 13, he's now the captain of the 11th Division. I figured, new guy in town, I'd invite him over for drinks or something, see how he's settling in. But he... didn't seem to appreciate the way I sent my invitation."

"Hah! Food? Sure, why not. S'pose I can wait, at that." The ringing sound of metal biting into metal. "Better hurry, tho. I can get... impatient. Gimme a hamburger and some French fries. Lotsa French fries, actually. And maybe some fried chicken. And some tacos. For now." Another noise filled the background, like metal sawing through metal.

"Oh God, Kisuke, what did you do? It wasn't another one of those exploding pigeons of yours, was it? You know those things scare Soi Fong awfully. I almost wish you'd stop using them... Except that I love how she always curls up in my arms crying after one of them goes off. You're gonna remember to send her another one tomorrow afternoon for me, right? Ask her to bring you some more mice. That ought to be perfect. She still has nightmares about the last time you asked her to bring you mice."

"SIR, WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP SAWING THERE. THAT AREA CONTROLS MY PRIMARY COGNITIVE FUNCTIONS. IF YOU DAMAGE IT, I'M NOT SURE WHAT WILL HAppezzzzzzzzzzzz..."

"Stop going off topic, Yoruichi. No, it wasn't one of the pigeons. I heard he likes to fight, so I worked up a clone of Watanabe's body, and I sent it off to deliver the invitation. Also told it to give Zaraki a bit of a fight, nothing serious. Just enough to let off some steam, y'know. But I hear Zaraki kinda freaked out. Ikkaku told me he just started screaming, 'I already killed you once, Fucker! Stay dead!' He didn't stop for almost an hour, and Ikkaku says there wasn't a piece of that body bigger than my thumb left by the end of it."

"Don' matter none to me. Dunno what those primerie coganate fussions are, but from now on all you gotta worry about is makin' me some FOOD, freak-bitch. Now I know how to do it, so listen up. I did some time myself on the burger gig, back in the day. First thing ya gotta remember is, service with a smile."


	4. Senbonzakura

"What'cha doin', Kisuke?"

Yoruichi rested her chin on Kisuke's shoulder, staring at the project in front of him. Kisuke's reiatsu flared momentarily in surprise, ruining the delicate work he had been doing. She laughed softly and pushed herself up from his shoulders to stand behind him. Kisuke clicked his tongue in irritation and spun to face Yoruichi. He tried to glare at her, but it was difficult. The large magnifying goggles strapped to his head made it hard to focus on anything larger than the size of his fingertips.

"Where... Yoruichi?" Kisuke reached out with his hands to try to find her, and they struck something soft. Oh. Thirty centimeters higher? His eyes focused in on one of her golden irises. "There you are. Well, it WAS going to be a tracking device. Before you made me break it." Kisuke turned to give the tiny apparatus another look. _Hmmm... Maybe it's not a total loss._

"A tracking device? What do you need that for? I thought you were working on some sort of map last month that would-"

"The Locat-o-matic? Oh, yeah, I finished that weeks ago. This one isn't for me." Kisuke pushed a button on the side of the headgear, causing the lenses to retract and returning his vision to normal.

Yoruichi stared at him blankly. "I didn't ask you to make me anything, Kisuke."

Kisuke rolled his eyes. "Yes you did. You want an extra one of my zanpakutou-inhibitors to practice with; you want a set of ten of the exploding robot pigeons, 'Because it's so cute to watch Soi Fong jump' I think you said; and you want some of my homemade chocolate-covered cherries. But no, you didn't ask me for a tracking device. There are OTHER people who want things too, sometimes, Yoruichi."

The blank expression didn't waver. "There are?"

"Fine. It's for Byakuya."

A sparkle shone in Yoruichi's eyes. "Byakkies? I haven't seen him in AGES! But why would he want a tracking device?"

"Honestly? I dunno, he didn't tell me. Maybe he just wants it for hollow-hunting. Maybe he wants it so he can find his zanpakutou the next time you decide it'd be fun to 'borrow' it for a while."

Yoruichi had the good grace to blush. "Well, Senbonzakura is really pretty... And he's always hanging out in Soul Society, so he's not allowed to release it anyway. I just thought it'd be fun to play with."

"You just thought, since Soi Fong likes cherry blossoms, she'd like his sword too. Did you at least warn her that they can cut?"

Yoruichi's cheeks grew even redder. She stared at the ground intently, wiggling her feet. "I... kinda forgot that part."

Kisuke laughed in spite of himself. "What did you tell Fourth Division when you brought her in?"

Yoruichi looked up, a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. "Oh, I never took her over to Fourth Division. I can make her feel better all by myself. Anyway, she's cute all wrapped up in bandages."

"Is THAT why she's not with you today," Kisuke asked, his eyebrows lifting.

"Yup!" Yoruichi smiled. "She wanted to come anyway, but I told her 'Good girls stay in bed and get better. Bad girls get punished.' Soi Fong doesn't like it when I punish her. Anyway, Kisuke, I wanted to ask you-"

"For another favor, right? What is it this time?"

Yoruichi stooped down and whispered in Kisuke's ear.

"Ooooh. Now that might be fun!"

* * *

"I'm very sorry, sir. Captain Unohana is away on business this week, supervising the comprehensive examinations for the Academy students. There are usually a fair number of injuries, you see, and she thinks it's good to be involved with the process. But you know that, sir. I thought you always went and-" 

Kisuke clapped his arm around the young shinigami's shoulders. "Never mind what you thought, boy." His voice came out as a deep rumble, sounding strange to his ears. "Well, if Retsu-chan isn't here, maybe you'd be kind enough to give me and Choujiro a tour?" Kisuke rapped Benihime, altered to look like a gnarled walking staff, on the paving stones for emphasis. Yoruichi hiccoughed, and Kisuke shot her a glare.

"O.. of course, Captain General! Wha... What is it that you want to see?"

Kisuke ruffled the boy's hair. "It's been a while since we visited, hasn't it, Choujiro," Kisuke bellowed. "Why don't we start with the supplies. I know Retsu-chan keeps an efficient shop, but SOMEONE should check up on her from time to time, don't you think? Choujiro?" Yoruichi was about to start giggling again. Kisuke whapped her ankles with the walking staff.

"Hee... Ouh... Yes, of course, Yamamoto-sama. You are wise beyond measure, as always." She gave a stiff bow, clutching her middle. Kisuke was sure she was just trying to hide her laughter from the Fourth Division initiate. It wouldn't do to have him see the First Division vice-captain laughing uncontrollably.

"Well then, boy... What was your name again?"

"Kita... Kitamura, Captain General. Ryou Kitamura."

Kisuke smiled warmly, his eyes closed. That was just how Yama-jii did it, wasn't it? "Okay then, Ryou! Lead the way!" Kisuke slapped the boy on the back, nearly sending him sprawling. Kitamura gave a quick glance over his shoulder, and then began leading the way. Kisuke hobbled after him, hunched down under the enormous captain's cloak draped across his shoulders.

Yoruichi slipped up beside him, leaning down to whisper. "Kisuke, this is awesome! I didn't know you had costumes! And they're so good, too! I can't believe how much I look like Sasakibe!"

Kisuke raised a fist to his mouth and cleared his throat. "Of course, Choujiro. A captain must be prepared for any opportunity. I, of course, most of all," he boomed. Yama-jii couldn't be seen whispering with his lieutenant - it wasn't the proper image. "I'm surprised you hadn't realized it yourself."

"Right this way, sir," Kitamura squeaked. "Captain Unohana has us keep all the supplies warehoused in the outer court, here."

"Very good, very good." Kisuke's voice was a low buzz. "Now would you mind showing us the insides of one of the repositories?"

"Ye...yes, sir! Of course, sir!" Kitamura led them to the right, to a wide one-story stockroom. It had tall double-doors that Kitamura hurriedly unlocked and pulled open.

Kisuke rapped his walking staff on the ground again, and a spark flared above the grip, coalescing into a ball of pale white light. Kisuke had always liked that trick. Without waiting, he shuffled through the door. Inside, rows and rows of shelves held more medical devices and medicines than Kisuke could imagine. Most of them were duplicates of each other, yes, but even so it was a fearsome collection. Kisuke hurried to one of the shelves that held some sort of complex apparatus, and began fiddling with it.

Yoruichi coughed loudly behind him.

Annoyed, Kisuke rounded on her. "Can't you see this is INTERESTING? What do you want, Yorui... Oh. Oh yes. Ryou? Ryou? Where are you, boy?"

"I... I'm right here, sir. By the door, sir." If Kitamura didn't stop squeaking soon, Kisuke was afraid he might do something untoward, like clubbing him over the head and leaving him here.

"Well, what are you over there for, boy? Come here!" Kisuke used the light on top of the staff to wave Kitamura closer.

"Yamamoto-sama, didn't you want to ask about-"

"Yes, yes, Choujiro. I know. Now, Ryou. Choujiro here has been having some... difficulty lately. He keeps getting injured in his training. But I can't afford to send him over to the fourth division every time he hurts himself. I need him with me. Is there anything you could give me, maybe some sort of DEVICE that would help with healing, say... a very large number of very small cuts?" Kisuke found it hard to keep from laughing. Poor Soi-Fong.

"Oh, and it would be super if it didn't heal everything right away," Yoruichi added. Then, a second later, "'cause... uh... You know, it's good to practice fighting while injured too."

"Yes, Choujiro," Kisuke muttered. "Because I can't imagine any OTHER reason why I'd want to heal slowly."

"Well... I'm not sure we have exactly what you're looking for, Captain General, but..." Kitamura went to a shelf near the back of the aisle and pulled something off of it. "This here is a machine the last captain of the Fourth Division had made. I don't believe Captain Unohana has ever had reason to use it, so I doubt it would be missed. It will heal injuries, and quickly, but it takes all it's strength from the reiatsu of the person being healed. You could think of it as an accelerator for natural healing."

"And why do you think this would be a good choice, Ryou," Kisuke rumbled.

"Well, it takes a lot of energy for the body to heal. So if you speed up that process, it takes even more energy. If... If Lieutenant Sasakibe wants to use it for training... Well, if you tried to practice fighting after healing yourself with this, it would probably be about like training immediately after running a marathon. I've never seen this machine used myself, but I remember we learned about it in lectures. Mostly, whenever it was used to heal, whoever it was used on was so exhausted they could hardly climb out of bed for over a week. "

Yoruichi giggled excitedly.

"Yes, yes, I think that would do nicely, Ryou."


	5. Overdose

Shunsui Kyouraku was napping on the floor of his office, as usual. Kisuke lifted the wide-brimmed straw hat off his face to check, and sure enough, a thin trail of drool was rolling down from the side of Shunsui's open mouth.

Kisuke kicked him in the ribs to rouse him. "Hey Shunsui, you up to anything tonight?"

Shunsui woke with a noise that… well, Kisuke wished he'd had some way to record it. It was part 'snore', part 'snort', quite a lot of 'groan' and a little 'moan', with various amounts of 'cough' and 'wheeze' mixed into it. It was the most amazing noise Kisuke had ever heard.

Shunsui blinked groggily. "Wha'th'hel..? Whoizzat?"

"I brought sake!"

Shunsui's eyes came into abrupt focus as a grin split his face. "Ohh, iz you Kisuke! Hab'a seat, hab'a seat!" Suiting his own words, the Eighth Division Captain eased himself up off the floor, alternately rubbing his head and his side.

Kisuke plopped himself on the tatami floor of the office, setting a large ceramic jug in front of Shunsui. "So? You up to anything tonight?"

Shunsui blinked again. "Me? Nope. Dun think so." His face lit up. "Why? You got something in mind?" He uncorked the jug and took a long drink from it.

"Well, Yoruichi asked me for a favor…"

"Yoruichi!" Shunsui gave a deep, rumbling laugh. "You still chasing that skirt, Kisuke? She's on the wrong team, don'cha know! Not to say she ain't a fine woman, though. With those… y'know…" Shunsui made a very ROUND gesture, and Kisuke almost blushed.

"Not all of us view women the way you and Lisa do, Shunsui."

"Hey, speaking of… where IS Lisa?"

"I dunno. Maybe she went out… shopping?" Why did Kisuke feel like he was about to start blushing again?

"Ooooh, 'shopping'! I hope she comes back with something good this time. Those books she picked up last time… I mean, really! Do they honestly think a man can have a self-lubricating anu-?"

"ANYWAY!" Kisuke turned away to keep Shunsui from seeing the red suffusing his cheeks. "YORUICHI WANTS ME TO GET ONE OF THOSE OLD SHIHOUIN RELICS FOR HER! I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU COULD HELP ME CONVINCE CAPTAIN UKITAKE!?"

Kisuke's head spun back as Shunsui emitted an ear-splitting shriek. His eyes were pinched shut, and he spoke in a harsh, hoarse whisper. "What the HELL are you shouting for, you BASTARD? Are you trying to kill me? Ohhhh, Hell, I musta drank more'n I thought this mornin'…."

"Ah… uh… sorry, Shunsui." Kisuke grimaced. Stupid mistake. "But, umm… you wanna help me out," he asked hopefully.

Shunsui kneaded his temples gingerly. "Convince Jushiro? Mmmmm… Sure. I suppose I could help with that. Always good to see Jushiro. Meet at his place just after sunset?"

Kisuke smiled, and tapped his fingers together excitedly. "Exxcelent!"

* * *

When Kisuke entered the Second Division Compound late, late that night, Yoruichi pounced on him like a leopardess.

"Do you have it, Kisuke!?"

"Yeah, but I still don't know what the heck it-"

"That doesn't matter now! Gimme!"

Kisuke frowned, shaking his head. "Nope. Not until you tell me what this little thi-"

As he pulled the slim tube from his captain's cloak, Yoruichi lunged for it. Kisuke danced back, out of reach. "Hey! Waitaminnit!"

"No, Kisuke," she hissed. "I NEED it!" She darted forward again, and Kisuke had to hold the tube over his head to keep it away from her.

"Now you listen here, Yoruichi. Shunsui and I had to get Captain Ukitake plastered before he'd agree to fetch this thing. I was hoping Shunsui could just ask, but NO. As soon as he heard what I wanted, Ukitake turned as white as a sheet-"

"Jushiro's ALWAYS as white as a sheet, Kisuke. Now GIVE IT!" Yoruichi jumped for the tube, and Kisuke had to push her back with his free hand. ..oops. Didn't mean to push there. He was reminded of the gesture Shunsui had used when Kisuke mentioned Yoruichi. Thankfully, Yoruichi couldn't see him blush in the darkness.

"Yoruichi! Stop it!" Kisuke squeaked. "If you don't tell me what this thing does, I swear, I'm gonna bring it back to my lab and figure it out for myself, and I PROMISE you, you won't see it for at least another week."

"You WOULDN'T," she gasped. Yoruichi retreated a step, staring at him with… fear? What the heck was this thing?

Yoruichi stood silently, staring at him. Kisuke thought he could see her lips trembling. Was Yoruichi about to start crying? What could possibly make her…?

"Oh."

It was Yoruichi's turn to squeak. "I… I-I-I did-d-dn't mea… mean t-to…"

"I TOLD you those pills were dangerous, Yoruichi!"

"Yeah, b-but…" A tear rolled down her cheek, glistening in the moonlight.

"How many did you use," he asked patiently.

"Th-the whole b-b-bottle…"

"….are you serious?"

Yoruichi gave a jerky nod.

"How long ago?"

"Y-y-y-yesterday. About n-n-noon."

Kisuke rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "And you can still walk?" He traced his finger through the air, mapping out the formula from memory. "No, that shouldn't be possible. Were my estimates that far off?"

"N-n-no, Kisuk-k-ke. I-I-I g-g-gave them t-t-to-"

A piercing wail cut through the Second Division compound, at once pained and pleading. It was the second-most amazing noise Kisuke had ever heard.

"PLEEEEASE, Kisuke," Yoruichi sobbed.

"So then I suppose this thing is meant to…?"

"Y-yeah. There's a… there's a switch on the end."

Kisuke waggled the tube, searching for the switch. "Ah, here it is." How had he missed that before? He flicked the switch and the tube roared to life with a sound like a thunderclap. Suddenly, Kisuke's arm was numb and he felt a wave of euphoria flooding through him. Meanwhile, the tube was bouncing on the ground, cracking the flagstones like a loose jackhammer. Kisuke snatched up the tube and flicked the switch off again.

Yoruichi hugged her arms around herself. "K-Kisuke? Do you th-think that'll… stop it?"

Kisuke narrowed his eyes, staring off into the night sky. "Dunno. Probably not. But if we're lucky, it might make her pass out, anyway. Then we just have to wait for the pills to wear off."

"WEAR OFF? But you said they were dangerous!" Yoruichi wailed.

"Oh, they aren't PHYSICALLY dangerous. Well, except that she'll probably be too exhausted to walk for…. The whole bottle, you said?" Yoruichi nodded, and Kisuke did the math in his head. "For about two months, thirteen days, and five hours, I think. Give or take about fifteen minutes."

"Well, then what'd you mean they're dangerous!? I thought you were just kidding, but… b-b-but she just won't stop, y'know, cli-"

Kisuke cut her off. "Well, think about it for a minute, Yoruichi. If you were going through that, how long do you think it'd take before you started… oh, I dunno… FORGETTING YOUR OWN NAME?"

"Ah. Oh. So you mean she might…"

"I MEAN, Yoruichi, you'd better hope you didn't break your favorite toy."

"Well then GIMME! Maybe I can still fix her!"

Oh, but Kisuke couldn't miss the opportunity to taunt her. "She might not even have a personality anymore. She might just lie in bed from now on, drooling on your sheets and moaning if she hears any loud noises." Kisuke had to thank Shunsui for that image.

"Noooo!" Yoruichi wailed. "No! Kisuke! Gimme it NOW!" She lunged forward again, but he danced away with a grin. Anyway, if his calculations were right, Soi Fong still had at least another three hours before there'd be any permanent damage. Assuming that he gave Yoruichi a 50-pill bottle. He was pretty sure it had been a 50-pill bottle.

"Well… I suppose maybe you'll make it in time. Okay. I'll give you the tube on one condition."

"ANYTHING!" Yoruichi sobbed.

Kisuke cackled. "I wanna watch."


End file.
